PIMP MASTER Pastor Fruity SPlash
OK, where do I start here? Its so odd, I ve been in Miami for about 1 year now and I am not having an awesome time. Since I have been here, my interpretations of interpersonal relationships have been incredibly flawed. Doesn’t matter that much if it’s a male/male dynamic or the more important to me, the female/male dynamic. First I should clarify, I am devoutly heterosexual male, albeit highly freak-onic(a word I just made up). The male/male paradigm is good because it gives the camaraderie of putzing around and other social shared experiences. The female/male paradigm is good, just because! Nah, I m gonna share it with you. The desire for sexual intercourse, companionship, envy, and it gives a man a good temperament to have a woman to spend his time with. My high Freakonic aptitude will leave you highly placated. And this is the crux of the difficulty that I am having acclimating myself to the climes of South Florida.
I went to the GoodWill Store on Tuesday and I was looking over the mens’ clothes, maybe pick up some leather shoes or some ties or so. Fuck it! I went there to buy some used suits.
So there I am working my way thru the used trouser section, and this dude walks in. He s dressed pretty good, ugly shoes though(what the fuck is that gator shit? He looked like a tap dancing rapper with them shoes on), I figured I could pick up some tips from such an impeccably dressed dude. We strike up a conversation, he tells me he s a pastor, so I figure Ok, he s gotta have SOME taste, wearing suits and shit all day!
So he asks me a Leader question(which I m oblivious to): “So you gotta pick up the wife and kids?” I m like “no” . We go to the cashier, pay for out stuff and then leave. I figure he s a preacher so I ll get his card check out his church one day, maybe meet some nice people. Man, this nigga! He should have his own comic book. In the parking lot, this nigga go into some nervous breakdown, Silver Surfer type shit! I m serious, He went from telling me how successful he has been in his life, his missionary work with the men in the prison system to how he’s so alone and how he’s been used. That’s when my own superpowers start to activate, my brain radar goes off and my fruit scope is narrowing in on one specific individual. This dude, well he goes from gibbering about being wealthy “I got a 2000 Mercedes S-Class, but I drive this [1987 Buick Skylark-Read: P.O.S., with leather seats!] because it saved my life”. I don’t care, I m happy that you are successful and maybe some of that will rub off on me, but I m not going to suck your dick about it. Ooops! Spoke to soon. He starts down that road, “I got a big dick, I m good with my tongue. And as good as I am with my tongue” and I m thinking “Don’t we all? Aren’t we all?” Then he says “I ve been with men who have hurt me bad”. I m like ”I should tell this guy I m not gay, really, I m not gay, man.” But I say nothing, I m hoping he ll get back to the secrets to success and some inspirational church shit. But nooooooo!, he s going into his Mack phase now. Trying to pick me up and shit. Corny ass mind games(but since I aint gay how is it going to work) “You got weaknesses I can see them, you should submit yourself.” “I don’t really do this, but do you want to get some coffee?” “I saw you in the store and I thought you were hot eye candy. I saw you in the store and I had to have you. You know the dude who wrote the book ’On the Down Low‘? He stole the idea from me. I didn’t sue him but its obvious if you look at my life and read his book there are so many similarities” I m still thinking “Uh, dude, I aint gay and if your life resembles some shit on the Down Low its because you re a faggoty preacher, probably sucking the deacon’s dick in the church parsonage 10 minutes before Sunday School. Am I wrong? Fruity Lip Bastard! I m not on the Down Low, I m Up on High with visual depiction of vaginas and shit running through my head”. Then he continues “I used to be an escort, making $100, $200, $300 an hour, but I decided to give that up do & an occasional dick gargle to make my breath mighty fresh. PSYCH!!(I made the last part up to see if you were paying attention, he did say the escort part though). I m not feeling his shit and trying to figure out a way to bring it back to dick and pussy conversations if anything, so I say “I ve been dealing with this girl for 6 months now and I cant get her to take it in the ass, what do you recommend?” HA! “He s like you don’t want that, you should settle down with a woman and get married. Because that’s a weakness I see in you, you re addiction to the BIG BOOTY WOMEN.” Four minutes ago I was supposed to be a superfruit endowed with magnificent cock powers, I m thinking “Man, this is the first thing you said that I agree with, but fuck you”, so I said “I don’t think its an addiction, I like big booties yes, yes I do. But I m comfortable with my desire for the titties and booties, I don’t want to change a damn thing. Because right now as you blather on about what the fuck! who knows! I m daydreaming about running in slow motion through a field of daises as I head toward the embrace of some big boobs with the intent of burying my face in them. Can you say Blbblblblbllblblbllblblblb?”
With that I must have appeared to be Hitler in a discotheque, because he hopped in his car so fast and started the motor, you would have thought the 3rd Reich was coming around the corner. Then he tried to berate me, I m like ”Yo, what happened to that Christian ubiquity I thought you were about? So let me get this straight…if you can get a GUY to stuff and fluff, then it’s a righteous day, if not then screw us all. That aint right. But you take it easy, Pimp Preacher Fruity Splash.”
If you want to give him a ring or visit his missionary services(oooooh: I should say “anal missionary” services) here is his information:
Prophet Donald Bain
“phophet(sic) to the nations of the world”
Harvesttime Deliverance Ministries
PO Box 541037
Opa Locka, Fl 33054
786.419.0310
Sic means I typed it appeared even though it is incorrect.
Now you ask why did I put his shit out there like that? Because the dude is proselytizing like you re straight up pastor but what you really doing is running a hustle to satiate your homosexual needs. Now mind you he said some shit that was useful or could be useful in my life, like when he said “Do not go where you are tolerated. You should go where you are celebrated.” That shit sounds seriously philosophical. I was hoping we would continue on that side of things but alas, he didn’t. My eye candy-ness got the best of him. And there you have it. Crazy life I live, eh? And that is 1300 words, in your face!
I went to the GoodWill Store on Tuesday and I was looking over the mens’ clothes, maybe pick up some leather shoes or some ties or so. Fuck it! I went there to buy some used suits.
So there I am working my way thru the used trouser section, and this dude walks in. He s dressed pretty good, ugly shoes though(what the fuck is that gator shit? He looked like a tap dancing rapper with them shoes on), I figured I could pick up some tips from such an impeccably dressed dude. We strike up a conversation, he tells me he s a pastor, so I figure Ok, he s gotta have SOME taste, wearing suits and shit all day!
So he asks me a Leader question(which I m oblivious to): “So you gotta pick up the wife and kids?” I m like “no” . We go to the cashier, pay for out stuff and then leave. I figure he s a preacher so I ll get his card check out his church one day, maybe meet some nice people. Man, this nigga! He should have his own comic book. In the parking lot, this nigga go into some nervous breakdown, Silver Surfer type shit! I m serious, He went from telling me how successful he has been in his life, his missionary work with the men in the prison system to how he’s so alone and how he’s been used. That’s when my own superpowers start to activate, my brain radar goes off and my fruit scope is narrowing in on one specific individual. This dude, well he goes from gibbering about being wealthy “I got a 2000 Mercedes S-Class, but I drive this [1987 Buick Skylark-Read: P.O.S., with leather seats!] because it saved my life”. I don’t care, I m happy that you are successful and maybe some of that will rub off on me, but I m not going to suck your dick about it. Ooops! Spoke to soon. He starts down that road, “I got a big dick, I m good with my tongue. And as good as I am with my tongue” and I m thinking “Don’t we all? Aren’t we all?” Then he says “I ve been with men who have hurt me bad”. I m like ”I should tell this guy I m not gay, really, I m not gay, man.” But I say nothing, I m hoping he ll get back to the secrets to success and some inspirational church shit. But nooooooo!, he s going into his Mack phase now. Trying to pick me up and shit. Corny ass mind games(but since I aint gay how is it going to work) “You got weaknesses I can see them, you should submit yourself.” “I don’t really do this, but do you want to get some coffee?” “I saw you in the store and I thought you were hot eye candy. I saw you in the store and I had to have you. You know the dude who wrote the book ’On the Down Low‘? He stole the idea from me. I didn’t sue him but its obvious if you look at my life and read his book there are so many similarities” I m still thinking “Uh, dude, I aint gay and if your life resembles some shit on the Down Low its because you re a faggoty preacher, probably sucking the deacon’s dick in the church parsonage 10 minutes before Sunday School. Am I wrong? Fruity Lip Bastard! I m not on the Down Low, I m Up on High with visual depiction of vaginas and shit running through my head”. Then he continues “I used to be an escort, making $100, $200, $300 an hour, but I decided to give that up do & an occasional dick gargle to make my breath mighty fresh. PSYCH!!(I made the last part up to see if you were paying attention, he did say the escort part though). I m not feeling his shit and trying to figure out a way to bring it back to dick and pussy conversations if anything, so I say “I ve been dealing with this girl for 6 months now and I cant get her to take it in the ass, what do you recommend?” HA! “He s like you don’t want that, you should settle down with a woman and get married. Because that’s a weakness I see in you, you re addiction to the BIG BOOTY WOMEN.” Four minutes ago I was supposed to be a superfruit endowed with magnificent cock powers, I m thinking “Man, this is the first thing you said that I agree with, but fuck you”, so I said “I don’t think its an addiction, I like big booties yes, yes I do. But I m comfortable with my desire for the titties and booties, I don’t want to change a damn thing. Because right now as you blather on about what the fuck! who knows! I m daydreaming about running in slow motion through a field of daises as I head toward the embrace of some big boobs with the intent of burying my face in them. Can you say Blbblblblbllblblbllblblblb?”
With that I must have appeared to be Hitler in a discotheque, because he hopped in his car so fast and started the motor, you would have thought the 3rd Reich was coming around the corner. Then he tried to berate me, I m like ”Yo, what happened to that Christian ubiquity I thought you were about? So let me get this straight…if you can get a GUY to stuff and fluff, then it’s a righteous day, if not then screw us all. That aint right. But you take it easy, Pimp Preacher Fruity Splash.”
If you want to give him a ring or visit his missionary services(oooooh: I should say “anal missionary” services) here is his information:
Prophet Donald Bain
“phophet(sic) to the nations of the world”
Harvesttime Deliverance Ministries
PO Box 541037
Opa Locka, Fl 33054
786.419.0310
Sic means I typed it appeared even though it is incorrect.
Now you ask why did I put his shit out there like that? Because the dude is proselytizing like you re straight up pastor but what you really doing is running a hustle to satiate your homosexual needs. Now mind you he said some shit that was useful or could be useful in my life, like when he said “Do not go where you are tolerated. You should go where you are celebrated.” That shit sounds seriously philosophical. I was hoping we would continue on that side of things but alas, he didn’t. My eye candy-ness got the best of him. And there you have it. Crazy life I live, eh? And that is 1300 words, in your face!
posted by avolokitisvara at 7:32 PM
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