the fix
What I m referring to is that maybe be she s going through the same sense of rejection and emptiness that you are? I m not a psychiatrist, but I play one on TV. Psych! I mean, there is a reason that she is obstinate. I still think its just her going through puberty but there may be some sense of abandonment running through her mind. From what? That’s for you to find out. Andie you ve told me some heinous shit that has happened to you in your life. Although you thought you were burdening the weight by yourself, what would you think of things if you come to find out you weren’t? What if she was watching her mom go through that anguish so many times? What if your pain caused her confusion that she couldn’t understand? What if her confusion turned to resentment after seeing you do the pain dance so many times? I mean the stuff you told me, at least the most humiliating stuff happened between now and the birth of your 2nd daughter. Even a little more after because of the distinct type of loneliness you felt. What if she was there internalizing all that? I mean I m an adult and when you tell me I cant understand it. Because, I really don’t understand your thought processes when this was going on. And although some of these matters you say you ll never speak about, I know you will that was why you brought it up. That was the whole essence of the emptiness within you and feeling mad about it. But we need to get a moment to ourselves so I can hear the whole thing and not in pieces. Because when you tell it in pieces you aren’t giving me all the facts. You re leaving stuff out. I want to tell you something. It is that was why I liked being able to talk to you at work. I know you liked it because it enabled you to pass the day during the boring moments at your job. Sometimes you laughed, sometimes you got mad, sometimes you felt warm. I liked it because it gave me access to your inner workings. Without it I have to revert to methods that work but are conspicuously slower in practice.
Then I asked you how would you dominate me sexually when you get the chance. I understand that you cant type out a manuscript over there at your job because then it will arouse suspicion of what is she doing over there. She s seem to be typing up a lot. But its nice to know that you would have done it. It s nice to know that had you had the time to write it you would.
Man, you got a bubble butt. I thought it was an apple butt, but yea, you got a bubble butt. Probably because your legs are thinner than I had thought, but damn your butt is all out there. I mean its not even in proportion to the rest of your lower body. I mean when you look at you from the side your butt juts out there and then comes back to those tiny legs. Yea, it could be the pants but nah, I ve seen your butt in like 4 different pairs of pants and yea its so big. Its so big it doesn’t even fit you. Its more than a black girl butt. It’s a butt made for a woman much taller than you. I can see how you be the apple of anyone’s eye with a bootie like that. It must have given you a lot of unwarranted attention. But then again….you need attention so bad that you probably accepted it just because it was better than nothing.
But that’s another thing I want to know. Why did you whore yourself? What wasn’t being the pretty girl that gets a lot of attention good enough? Did you feel that you always had to push the envelope in order to get the attention to remain focused on you? And then, how come you chose not to sleep with the guys at your job if they could have advanced your career?
Im sorry about bringing up the hurt but can you explain to me this thing with your sister, her husband and how he used to be your ex-fiance? I could understand old boyfriend from years back maybe in high school and some how over the years he developed an attraction for your sister. But there is an appropriate time line for that example. Even for a guy you used to date casually who then started dating your sister. But I really need you to explain to me how is it that your sisters husband used to be your ex-fiance. Fiance insinuates that at some point he asked you to marry him. At for that to happen, we can safely assume you guys were dating for some time, right? Somehow it is as though you make your life more complicated than it needs to be. If you didn’t want to tell me then you could have said simply “she used to look at my sisters husband as a father figure.” But you went into more detail than that. I know, you don’t want to talk about it. Why? Yea, it hurts to rehash all of that but also because it may stir up feelings of hate and resentment, anger and disgust for your sister. And that’s not something you want to deal with. Because she is so vital to your life right now. And like the threesome its nice to know that I know something that even she don’t know. Fiance insinuates that he asked you to marry him and when he asked you to marry him you said yes. And that there was an engagement ring exchanged. And you made it clear that it wasn’t that long ago because Amy had looked to him as a father. After that everything is very unclear. I don’t understand what happened to your relationship that he broke up with you and decided to date your sister culminating in a marriage to her, and producing I guess, a couple sons? That’s where I need help. I know you swore never to tell anyone this but Andrea another thing I don’t understand is how come you bear so much stinging pain. I mean at the end of all things is you but what is it that you are doing that continually puts you in this situation? I cant understand it? Why do you have to deal with so much? I mean although you may put on a nice face in front of your sister and her husband, I know that pain has to be unbearable. Unbearable. I know you put on your smiley face and pretended that it didn’t matter. All that matters is her happiness but I know how you feel. Now I m going to share something with you and you take it how you want to take it. It makes me mad when you tell me these things. Why? Its more than taking a nice person and giving her the blues, its more than watching you get discarded. Its watching a woman get involved repeatedly with(here I cant say much, I could blame the guys but its you who chose to associate with them, I could blame you but that wouldn’t get me far because we haven’t established what it is within you that makes you want them) bad results. I mean, you say that if you had it to do all over again you d do the exact same thing. That’s not true, for if it were that would mean that you re an idiot. You re not an idiot. I know what you re trying to do. You re trying to save face. You re trying to prove that nothing that happened to you nor anyone that did you wrong has any power over you. But that’s not true and you know it. You want to prove to the world that you took a blow, that you can take any blow and its just rolls off of you. But that’s not true. I know that about you as a fact. If it was true then you would have shared these things with more people than me. If it were true then you wouldn’t have your shield up so high so many times when you could put it down. But you haven’t, because it hurts too much and you don’t know how to deal with it. So you bury it within you and hope it ll never happen again. I m trying just like you are. I ve never had a friend that hurt so much. I ve never had to deal with a woman who had injuries to every part of her psyche. But you want to ask me again why do I care about you so much, don’t you? I am just like you, we re 2 people trying to find our own way here, you understand? I m not saying this in a way to dumb down my points, but I think sometimes I get so involved in using the ‘right’ vocabulary that I don’t say what I really think. I see you as more than a pretty woman. I see what the other men don’t see. And in that, well I mean to deal with it that first, I gotta weave my way through the maze of rejection and despair that surrounds your heart. And in that is where the real Andrea is. Sometimes she comes out, you can hear her when you speak. That Andrea has no shame. She has ideas and views. But she doesn’t come out much. Well, not with out much patience on my part. Its hard to figure out sometimes, you would think the real Andrea is a shy woman. Is she? Maybe, but I also think the real Andrea is scared of new experiences. I mean to a point aren’t we all? But I think she s scared of the new experience because it might be something she s never dealt with and as no one can tell the future she wouldn’t know if it’s a good feeling or bad one. The feelings of failure are hard to relinquish sometimes. And especially by yourself. You know as an outside observer of your life it appears to me Mama that you have an acute problem with your self worth. All of your failures, and as I see it, I do mean ALL of them, in your life have to do with misplaced trust in men. There s something within your mind with respect to you, maybe your family and your parents that directs you to such bad circumstances. I cant figure out what it is because we haven’t talked about your parents, but someone programmed you to do the things you do. But with you we gotta get together and between us I gotta write this stuff down, not to showcase my friend with all her flaws to others, but so we can keep track of these things and how to deal with them. Shoot, we ll need a year to start with and try to cover things one issue at a time. I offer you help but you know I don’t know if you take me seriously. You re probably looking for my angle. Why would I? No, I think we re back to you being defensive. “I don’t need no ones help, I ll do it by myself.” I m not usurping your authority to run your own life. I m just saying that sometimes we need someone to help us through the tight spaces that we come across. I aint saying I can cure everything, fix everything, heal everything, but you know Andrea why don’t we give it a shot and see what happens?
The other woman-Nina
Simone.
The other woman finds time to manicure her nailsThe other woman is perfect where her rival failsAnd she’s never seen with pin curls in her hairThe other woman enchants her clothes with French perfumeThe other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each roomThere are never toys that’s scattered everywhereAnd when her baby comes to callHe’ll find her waiting like a lonesome queen‘Cause when she’s by his sideIt’s such a change from old routineBut the other woman will always cry herself to sleepThe other woman will never have his love to keepAnd as the years go by the other womanWill spend her life alone
I think there is something within you, something you learned when growing up from your mother or father or both that makes you underestimate your self worth. Its an incredibly dysfunctional feeling. I cant go too far into it because I don’t know what it is they exposed you to that makes you settle for less than you deserved. By this I mean by dealing with men who don’t respect you or who instinctively chose to discard you. Unless you mean for this to happen? But its not psychologically healthy. To request that you put yourself in these predicaments or to carry the weight from the decisions made all by yourself. It aint healthy.
Now I know I go overboard a lot. I cant let it go. And why is that? It all happened in the past and all we can do is roll with the results. There can be nothing gained from rehashing the past. Why can I not let it go? Because I want to lord it over your head? No. But I think you ve got too much going on that #1 its slowing you down, #2 you shouldn’t have to deal with this no more, #3 you shouldn’t have had to deal with it in the first place, #4 it really may affect the way you raise your kids, #5 you cant exist with so much stuff inside you that you re not willing to share #6…
I saw that movie “As good as it gets” with Jack Nicholson on FX Network, Saturday night and it s odd to me. Because initially I thought that you were like the Jack Nicholson character because you do things that are more complicated than they need to be. Its like you needlessly make things as tough as you think they should be. And you think its supposed to be that way. I guess it’s the cost one has to pay to be pretty, but it sounds sort of futile to me. I don’t know, I guess its supposed to make a guy work harder to be with you? And I guess only the most insistent and persistent ones will stick around. Its sort of like a game with you being the prize? I ask as a question because what becomes of the guys who make a play but whom you re not interested in? Its like you re toying with their emotions. I know, to you its all in the game, but that sounds like the stuff that gets women killed. I ve seen stuff on the news about that. The spurned advances of some dude, then he come back and kills her. You should be careful about that.
But like I say with respect to the movie “As good as it gets” towards the end of the movie I saw that to you I was actually the Jack Nicholson character, where the Helen Hunt character says to him that she doesn’t want to know him anymore, because he always “makes her feel bad about herself.” I hear you, that makes sense. Ok, lets face it, I don’t know how to deal with it. I ve never met any single person with as much to share and as much to hide as you do.
Then I asked you how would you dominate me sexually when you get the chance. I understand that you cant type out a manuscript over there at your job because then it will arouse suspicion of what is she doing over there. She s seem to be typing up a lot. But its nice to know that you would have done it. It s nice to know that had you had the time to write it you would.
Man, you got a bubble butt. I thought it was an apple butt, but yea, you got a bubble butt. Probably because your legs are thinner than I had thought, but damn your butt is all out there. I mean its not even in proportion to the rest of your lower body. I mean when you look at you from the side your butt juts out there and then comes back to those tiny legs. Yea, it could be the pants but nah, I ve seen your butt in like 4 different pairs of pants and yea its so big. Its so big it doesn’t even fit you. Its more than a black girl butt. It’s a butt made for a woman much taller than you. I can see how you be the apple of anyone’s eye with a bootie like that. It must have given you a lot of unwarranted attention. But then again….you need attention so bad that you probably accepted it just because it was better than nothing.
But that’s another thing I want to know. Why did you whore yourself? What wasn’t being the pretty girl that gets a lot of attention good enough? Did you feel that you always had to push the envelope in order to get the attention to remain focused on you? And then, how come you chose not to sleep with the guys at your job if they could have advanced your career?
Im sorry about bringing up the hurt but can you explain to me this thing with your sister, her husband and how he used to be your ex-fiance? I could understand old boyfriend from years back maybe in high school and some how over the years he developed an attraction for your sister. But there is an appropriate time line for that example. Even for a guy you used to date casually who then started dating your sister. But I really need you to explain to me how is it that your sisters husband used to be your ex-fiance. Fiance insinuates that at some point he asked you to marry him. At for that to happen, we can safely assume you guys were dating for some time, right? Somehow it is as though you make your life more complicated than it needs to be. If you didn’t want to tell me then you could have said simply “she used to look at my sisters husband as a father figure.” But you went into more detail than that. I know, you don’t want to talk about it. Why? Yea, it hurts to rehash all of that but also because it may stir up feelings of hate and resentment, anger and disgust for your sister. And that’s not something you want to deal with. Because she is so vital to your life right now. And like the threesome its nice to know that I know something that even she don’t know. Fiance insinuates that he asked you to marry him and when he asked you to marry him you said yes. And that there was an engagement ring exchanged. And you made it clear that it wasn’t that long ago because Amy had looked to him as a father. After that everything is very unclear. I don’t understand what happened to your relationship that he broke up with you and decided to date your sister culminating in a marriage to her, and producing I guess, a couple sons? That’s where I need help. I know you swore never to tell anyone this but Andrea another thing I don’t understand is how come you bear so much stinging pain. I mean at the end of all things is you but what is it that you are doing that continually puts you in this situation? I cant understand it? Why do you have to deal with so much? I mean although you may put on a nice face in front of your sister and her husband, I know that pain has to be unbearable. Unbearable. I know you put on your smiley face and pretended that it didn’t matter. All that matters is her happiness but I know how you feel. Now I m going to share something with you and you take it how you want to take it. It makes me mad when you tell me these things. Why? Its more than taking a nice person and giving her the blues, its more than watching you get discarded. Its watching a woman get involved repeatedly with(here I cant say much, I could blame the guys but its you who chose to associate with them, I could blame you but that wouldn’t get me far because we haven’t established what it is within you that makes you want them) bad results. I mean, you say that if you had it to do all over again you d do the exact same thing. That’s not true, for if it were that would mean that you re an idiot. You re not an idiot. I know what you re trying to do. You re trying to save face. You re trying to prove that nothing that happened to you nor anyone that did you wrong has any power over you. But that’s not true and you know it. You want to prove to the world that you took a blow, that you can take any blow and its just rolls off of you. But that’s not true. I know that about you as a fact. If it was true then you would have shared these things with more people than me. If it were true then you wouldn’t have your shield up so high so many times when you could put it down. But you haven’t, because it hurts too much and you don’t know how to deal with it. So you bury it within you and hope it ll never happen again. I m trying just like you are. I ve never had a friend that hurt so much. I ve never had to deal with a woman who had injuries to every part of her psyche. But you want to ask me again why do I care about you so much, don’t you? I am just like you, we re 2 people trying to find our own way here, you understand? I m not saying this in a way to dumb down my points, but I think sometimes I get so involved in using the ‘right’ vocabulary that I don’t say what I really think. I see you as more than a pretty woman. I see what the other men don’t see. And in that, well I mean to deal with it that first, I gotta weave my way through the maze of rejection and despair that surrounds your heart. And in that is where the real Andrea is. Sometimes she comes out, you can hear her when you speak. That Andrea has no shame. She has ideas and views. But she doesn’t come out much. Well, not with out much patience on my part. Its hard to figure out sometimes, you would think the real Andrea is a shy woman. Is she? Maybe, but I also think the real Andrea is scared of new experiences. I mean to a point aren’t we all? But I think she s scared of the new experience because it might be something she s never dealt with and as no one can tell the future she wouldn’t know if it’s a good feeling or bad one. The feelings of failure are hard to relinquish sometimes. And especially by yourself. You know as an outside observer of your life it appears to me Mama that you have an acute problem with your self worth. All of your failures, and as I see it, I do mean ALL of them, in your life have to do with misplaced trust in men. There s something within your mind with respect to you, maybe your family and your parents that directs you to such bad circumstances. I cant figure out what it is because we haven’t talked about your parents, but someone programmed you to do the things you do. But with you we gotta get together and between us I gotta write this stuff down, not to showcase my friend with all her flaws to others, but so we can keep track of these things and how to deal with them. Shoot, we ll need a year to start with and try to cover things one issue at a time. I offer you help but you know I don’t know if you take me seriously. You re probably looking for my angle. Why would I? No, I think we re back to you being defensive. “I don’t need no ones help, I ll do it by myself.” I m not usurping your authority to run your own life. I m just saying that sometimes we need someone to help us through the tight spaces that we come across. I aint saying I can cure everything, fix everything, heal everything, but you know Andrea why don’t we give it a shot and see what happens?
The other woman-Nina
Simone.
The other woman finds time to manicure her nailsThe other woman is perfect where her rival failsAnd she’s never seen with pin curls in her hairThe other woman enchants her clothes with French perfumeThe other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each roomThere are never toys that’s scattered everywhereAnd when her baby comes to callHe’ll find her waiting like a lonesome queen‘Cause when she’s by his sideIt’s such a change from old routineBut the other woman will always cry herself to sleepThe other woman will never have his love to keepAnd as the years go by the other womanWill spend her life alone
I think there is something within you, something you learned when growing up from your mother or father or both that makes you underestimate your self worth. Its an incredibly dysfunctional feeling. I cant go too far into it because I don’t know what it is they exposed you to that makes you settle for less than you deserved. By this I mean by dealing with men who don’t respect you or who instinctively chose to discard you. Unless you mean for this to happen? But its not psychologically healthy. To request that you put yourself in these predicaments or to carry the weight from the decisions made all by yourself. It aint healthy.
Now I know I go overboard a lot. I cant let it go. And why is that? It all happened in the past and all we can do is roll with the results. There can be nothing gained from rehashing the past. Why can I not let it go? Because I want to lord it over your head? No. But I think you ve got too much going on that #1 its slowing you down, #2 you shouldn’t have to deal with this no more, #3 you shouldn’t have had to deal with it in the first place, #4 it really may affect the way you raise your kids, #5 you cant exist with so much stuff inside you that you re not willing to share #6…
I saw that movie “As good as it gets” with Jack Nicholson on FX Network, Saturday night and it s odd to me. Because initially I thought that you were like the Jack Nicholson character because you do things that are more complicated than they need to be. Its like you needlessly make things as tough as you think they should be. And you think its supposed to be that way. I guess it’s the cost one has to pay to be pretty, but it sounds sort of futile to me. I don’t know, I guess its supposed to make a guy work harder to be with you? And I guess only the most insistent and persistent ones will stick around. Its sort of like a game with you being the prize? I ask as a question because what becomes of the guys who make a play but whom you re not interested in? Its like you re toying with their emotions. I know, to you its all in the game, but that sounds like the stuff that gets women killed. I ve seen stuff on the news about that. The spurned advances of some dude, then he come back and kills her. You should be careful about that.
But like I say with respect to the movie “As good as it gets” towards the end of the movie I saw that to you I was actually the Jack Nicholson character, where the Helen Hunt character says to him that she doesn’t want to know him anymore, because he always “makes her feel bad about herself.” I hear you, that makes sense. Ok, lets face it, I don’t know how to deal with it. I ve never met any single person with as much to share and as much to hide as you do.
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